I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
