upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
