Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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