I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
