i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
