So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
