I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
