Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
