you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Randomize
