so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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