i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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