My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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