I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
