Whoa Z and x make the same sound
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
