Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge