I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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