Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
