The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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