So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
