do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
