I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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