I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
