im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
