She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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