Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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