it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
