My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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