how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
