Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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