i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
