She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
