and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Randomize
