Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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