Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
