dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
