I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize