I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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