new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
