Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
