You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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