so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
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sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
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Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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