wat bout pragnant strippers??
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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