Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
