We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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