He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
