There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
