I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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