Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
My cat gives me a boner
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
