thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
