Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
