fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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