I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
