do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
