So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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