I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
